i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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