I wish my penis had an off switch
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
