Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
ok first of all what the fuck
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
