My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
