bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
