Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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