Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
