I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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