A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
