I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
