Umm I'm too high to move.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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