I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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