this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
