No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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