I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
