The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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