I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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