I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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