you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
