mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
