Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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