You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
