so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
