I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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