you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
