Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
