just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm way too hungover for life right now
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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