He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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