I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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