Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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