So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
