Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
