Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
