Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The Olympian is in my bed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
