he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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