we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
