Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
