Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
