matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that