apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode