I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!