The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
