I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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