You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
