A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
