Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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