Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
