i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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