here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
