I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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