Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
