The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Randomize
