i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
