My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize