and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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