you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
