becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
