He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
